When the Stars Love You Back
by GayleForce12
Summary: The Doctor speaks a lot but never seems to say anything. So much is left to question: his thoughts, feelings, memories, and what haunts him. This is a look at the inward thoughts that surround his relationship with River Song.
1. The Forest of Pain

**When the Stars Love You Back**

Introduction:

The Doctor is old and has a life full of pain, guilt, and mistakes. One thing haunts all who reach old age, watching everyone they have known and loved lose the fight for life. Some lose the battle with time, some to disease, some give up, and some die fighting. He remembers everybody, the Doctor, all of those he has known and loved who have lost that last fight. Each one hurts and each has a place in his hearts where that pain resides. There are a few that hold more pain than others. From all who he has loved, only two has gained a memorial place on his desk: his granddaughter Susan, and his wife River Song.

 **The Forest of Pain**

We don't often hear the true thoughts of the Doctor. He takes it upon himself to bear other's burdens. He bares his own burdens alone, never sharing them with another soul. After the sacrifice that Professor Song made for him in the Library, it just added to that burden.

After the events at the Library with Donna Noble, they both were filled with pain and exhaustion. Donna got a taste of a life that she had dreamed of with a quite man, who adored her, and their children. Now she has to accept that he was just a mirage, an image created by a computer, or so she thought. The love she has felt has now been ripped from her.

After plopping her self down in the chair by the console, she remarked, "I can sure use a spa day. Do you know of a good one, space man?"

The Doctor whips around and turning on a cheerful and encouraging face and exclaims "only the best in the galaxy!"

"Then lets go!" Donna exclaims with a smile before it fades to reflect the remnants of the lost dream.

The Doctor loved the idea of a beautiful happy planet for a change. One to make him think of something peaceful, with people full of joy and not terror. His mind slips away as he instinctively flies the Tardis. 'Who was that woman? What does my future hold? Do I want to continue this? Can I stand falling in love, knowing, yet again, it is my fault someone dies?' The pain overcomes him, flowing with every heartbeat, washing over him like an ocean. He snaps himself out of it with some trivia of their next destination with a counterfeit smile plastered on his face.

When they arrived, they explored the facility and got the lay of the land. It was no time and Donna had signed up for some treatments: hot bath, sauna, nails, hair, sonic skin ex-foliation and so on. She would stay as long as the Doctor allowed. It was just what a girl needed after the day she had.

It did not take long for the Doctor to get bored. He wasn't interested in treatments but people...people ARE interesting! He talked and talked, worked the room you might say. Every time he found himself alone, those thoughts crept back. His granddaughter Susan, she would love this place, very Earth-like. Oh how he wished she was here. 'She was brilliant! Her smile and spunk. She loved people, all people. She was smarter than all those as Coal Hill Academy, she _was_ Gallifreyian of course. That knowledge never got in the way of her love for the Humans,' he found himself thinking and smiling, but it faded quickly. Because Susan was gone, everyone was gone, all his children and grandchildren...gone. They had died in the Last Great Time War. All his people had died and it was him who ended it. The thousand yard stare, that the greatest warriors earn with their status of "hero", is just default for him now.

He rises to take a walk and explore the lands beyond the facility. It is night and the people are all asleep, as one of the conditions of treatment here is rest. He couldn't rest and the Tardis had grown tired of his tinkering and kicked him out. He was forever haunted by his failures. He had promised himself that he would never take another, true and honest, _wife_. That he could no longer bare to loose another family. He had lost his Susan, an innocent, so very young, wonderful child. In his 903 years he had watched many terrible men do terrible things, sometimes it was himself. 'Those poor pain-filled people just seeking happiness in this world. They think that taking it from others will pass it on to themselves', he considered quietly. At night is when he was most troubled. It is true that Time Lords do not sleep as much as a normal human, but he believed much of it was due to the haunting of an eternity of desolation. The sky at night is not covered by the peaceful blueness of the atmosphere, but is now transparent, showing the millions of systems beyond it. He sees the past, present, and future of those systems and their tribulations. Unfortunately, pain often out shown the joys because he might have the power to change those unfixed points. Sitting on a hill overlooking a large lake, he is alone and can let down his guard to grieve.

He feared if he began to release the emotions that they may never stop, but perhaps he could release some steam, some pressure. This Professor Song, there is only one way that she can know his name. There is only one time he could tell her. Why would he break the promise he had made to himself? Companions, even some of his "wives" were meaningful but temporary. They were simple, wonderful, unique Human-beings that eventually grew tired of their adventures and left. Their temporal nature kept him company and friendship, but protected him from the loss of a family. Even his Earthly marriages were special but not as significant as the "choice marriage" of Gallifrey. There were no high Gallifreyans left to arrange a marriage so it must have been his choice.

This woman was on top of things, she was brilliant! How long of a history did they have? Was it months, years, decades, or even centuries? Who did he just watch sacrifice so much? She is only an echo in the Library now. He had never been so tempted to know the future than he was with her diary in his hands. How could he ever enjoy their love when he knew where it would end? Every moment of bliss that might be found in their life together...will it be overshadowed by her impending sacrifice? Have I began to love her already? Her spunky spirit, the look in her eyes that he knew all too well. It was the look he saw in his own eyes in the mirror. The look of a long life of hurt and regret. Could she understand him, understand his pain? He is pulled back into reality by a ray of sun hitting his tear stained cheek. He wiped the tear and pulled himself together.

All of this, he would never divulge to anybody. He was 903 years old and had grown to withstand great amounts of torment. It almost seemed like he was a vault for it. A containment vessel for it to reside throughout eternity. His companions were like children, mere infants compared to his lifetime. He must protect them, be the one who deters their fears, the rock they stand on for hope. None of this can he ever share with another living soul.

After a leisurely time on Midnight the Doctor could not stand it any longer. The universe is like poetry to him. The beautiful sky, mountains, and springs were just a facade covering, temporarily, the destruction in the universe. He could see it all right now and so he fiddles with the Tardis. If his mind is busy he doesn't have time to hurt, time to mull over all the anguish he has caused the universe and those that trusted him. He had spoken with one of the visitors who was about to take a train to the Sapphire Waterfall. This was his ticket, sounds interesting...but could he convince Donna to leave quite yet?

Footnote:

I hoped that you all liked this. It is my first attempt at a fanfic. I hope to add more chapters of the Doctor's thoughts for every time he meets with River.


	2. Time of the Stone Angels

**Time of Stone Angels**

 **A/N: This Chapter is based on the adventures of the episodes Time of the Angels and Flesh and Stone. What else was going on as they strive to escape the clutches of the stone angels? What was running through the Doctor's head while danger lurked around every corner?**

 **Also, I do not hold any Doctor who copyrights. Just a bit of speculatory fun.**

Last time they meet she was in an astronaut kind of suit, a silly sort of outfit. This time she came flying at him through space, jumping blindly, trusting that he would show up on time and in place to catch her when she "fell". He was there...he was there this time,but he could not promise it for every time. He hated that she put her life in such danger so flippantly. While he might have been upset it was hard to be angry with such a beautiful woman landing right on top of you...quite literally. Her dress was more flattering than that astronaut suit from their previous encounter. He had never been a fan of those. She really was quite an amazing thing to behold, not only her physical beauty but her brains. The fact that she is so creative to get herself out of trouble and knew just how to get a hold of him. Wait...what is going on? Is he letting himself go? Is he allowing himself to fall in love with this woman? He mustn't do that, she is just heartbreak waiting to happen.

'I saw the ending to this book and never got to read a single page and I hate endings!' the Doctor muses to himself.

Yet his mind still over takes him, 'But who is she that she thinks that she can just fly my TARDIS? Those blue "stabilizers" more like blue boringers. That woman! No one flys the TARDIS but me! How does she know how? I apparently didn't teach her or won't teach her...maybe but who can tell with her! She thinks she is so smart! That woman!' He scoffs.

She on the other hand is not as annoyed by him. 'You must do environmental checks! That is why he walks blindly into danger so often! But then again maybe he doesn't need to...he just smelled the air and knew everything he needed to know! That man always has a surprise up his sleeve. He isn't as much of an airhead as he lets people believe. He is truly brilliant! Those crazy life saving ideas of his!' Both of their minds swam with admiration of the other.

Of course neither could or would admit to what extent that admiration spreed.

River walks out of the TARDIS "Doctor, can you sonic me, I need to boost the signal"

Then commanding and timeline evaluation. She is so confident and bossy!

At the camp Amy inquires about their relationship and why he is in such a bad mood.

"Is she your wife? She is just like, heal boy." Amy asks

'This woman might be the end of me! Dr. Song pulls me into this predicament, to find an angel in a ship wreck! She talks to me like no one else. Her crazy, beautiful, sexy hair...No! Snap out of it!' the Doctor fought with himself. He did not need to tell Amy anything else but that today he was "Mr Grumpy Face"

While trying to scan with the communicator he listened in on Amy and River and thought 'The way she treats Amy. It is not often that a stranger will be so kind and thoughtful with his companion. They both got along so well, his Amelia and that River. It was almost like a mother-daughter bond...a family bond. Dr. Song seemed to be just as eager to save Amy as he was, just as willing to sacrifice for her. Why was that? Why did that bond exist? How or when will that bond exist?'

He was brought out of his trance by "Yes, we are...talking about you."

"I wasn't listening." He responded and got right back to the work he was never doing.

"The other way around." River told him, after noticing his disorientation of the communicator he was working with.

'Oi, stupid Doctor! She notices everything! I can't get away with anything. I am like a puppy she has on a string. This is sort of new...its kind of sexy! No! Stop it!' thinking to himself as he finishes the work he is supposed to be doing.

She keeps him on his toes. She provides a challenge and gets the better of him on nearly every occasion. What he doesn't know is how much that wonderful bond her and Amy have currently hurts River. There is so much that could be said...'you are my mum', 'you were my best friend growing up', in the eyes of Amy she was merely just an interesting stranger. Amy's eyes seemed to look straight through her...missing that familial love and trust they will or do have in another time.

Beginning their expedition into the Byzantium, the groups nerves began to work over time, tensions are running high and for good reason. There was an angel out to get them.

That Bishop Octavian was a difficult and uncaring leader. A man with a gun...never someone the Doctor is a fan of. They think that they can substitute a gun for brains. Instead of using thought and love they use guns and fear to force 'peace'. Not all these soldiers had that same idea of ruling through fear but that Octavian did. Railing on a soldier on their first mission does not bread confidence and bravery. Bob was a stary eyed, afraid young man. Fear was good, fear keeps you on your toes, it keeps you alert and those who are wise stay afraid. It was not just his insensitivity or unsupportive actions toward the young solider but the apparent betrayal between him and River. That was another questionable issue. She was there working off her sentence at Stormcage, the prison that holds the most dangerous criminals in the universe. She was one of those elect few. He knew there was more going on with them than was first impressed.

'Who did she kill? He must have been important. It must have been quite a feat to achieve.' he thought quietly and immensely intrigued by this puzzle.

She is such a puzzle. A person who is an absolute puzzle is his favorite thing!

Running...so much running some did not run fast enough and others merely walked into nonexistence.

There they stood, just the two of them...as Amy stood afraid and alone outside...unable to see the fate that awaits her. Just like Bob...will she die just as Bob had? They worked in a state of focused panic, the clock is clicking down and time for innovation has just about ended. Before he knew it...Amy transports into the room! River had done it!

"I could bloody kiss you!" the Doctor exclaims, being so thankful for the help.

"Well, maybe when you are older." River responds in her usual flirty self.

The Doctor could only look and smile. 'That was sexy!' he thought as a shiver of excitement rushed through him.

He shuts off the gravity and leave the Angels to tumble in the crack and saves the day.

They partnered together and defeated an impossible situation. Today was not a day that everyone lived. Some were lost to time and are never to be remembered by anyone but the three agents of time. There she stands in handcuffs. Through her embarrassment and worry she smiles and jokes. She fears what her husband, who does not know her yet, will hate her just as he hates other killers of the innocent. But she jokes and continues.

"You, me...handcuffs. Must it always end this way?" She comments teasingly, holding up her handcuffs.

'Our future either contains danger and rescue or...well...perhaps other things...' wonders the Doctor as he stands close to her looking down into her eyes, just as intrigued about both possibilities.

"Octavian said you killed a man." the Doctor inquired...as River then confirmed.

She was a killer, not just any killer but the killer of a "very good man"...but it seemed as though she regretted it. She was repentant. This hardly seemed like one of the most dangerous criminals in the universe. Of course this is coming from a man who has helped commit the genocide of several races.

The only spoiler that she would dare speak a word of would be that of the Pandorica, a mere fairy tale. He gets even closer...close enough to whisper in her ear. "That's a fairy tale."

The smiles and tension between the two was electric and a bit like protruding in on a private moment between lovers.

'She says I will see her again when Pandorica opens. That is just a legend...or is it? What is a legend but a story that has been forgotten by truth?' the Doctor ponders.

Back in the TARDIS with a very excited and flirty Amy, the Doctor heads back place Amy back in her time.

'She is so beautiful, so confidant! I love it! I wonder when the next time I will this wonderful creature!' crosses his mind as he looks hopeful into the console of the TARDIS. A smile crosses his face right be for he whips around to fling one last lever to send them back to Earth.

From their time with the Weeping Angels and the wreck of the Byzantium he has learned, what has seemed to be, a lot about the the woman that sacrificed it all before he even knew her.


	3. With a Bang, Time Rectifies

With a Bang, Time Rectifies

 **A/N: Sorry for the wait between chapters! I have had computer troubles and lots of work with my summer courses. This chapter reviews the thoughts of the Doctor following the events of The Pandorica Opens and The Big Bang. I hope you enjoy!**

Before dealing with the issue of the loose Egyptian goddess on the Orient Express, Rory and Amy excuse themselves to change clothes. They run down the hall hand in hand, like giggling children chasing each other in play. The Doctor proudly watches the two lovers as they disappear in the pathways of the TARDIS. He turns and begins to tinker and gets lost reminiscing their last adventure.

'We had already lost Rory, I was in charge and was responsible and just like what always seems to happen...I failed. Rory had died and slipped into nonexistence. Even Amy, Rory's best friend and lover, did not remember him. There were hints, as she stared at the ring. It meant something. The ring was special for a reason. She knew it, that incredible girl! My Amelia, always overcoming expectations.' He beamed.

'I am such an idiot! I talked to Rory, even said his name before I noticed he was there, standing in front of me! I knew it was too good to be true. I knew there was more going on than just the miracle it seemed to be, a person who has never existed back to existing. There is always an explanation. I say there is...but Amy, the human, remembered what was stolen from her mind by time. She remembered the person who never existed. But then...isn't that love? Isn't that love though! The bringer of the impossible! Love...how brilliant!' He sat in his sling under the TARDIS console, fiddling with some wires as he waits for the lovebirds.

'When it came right down to it love won the day. It wasn't some clever plan or power. It was love! Rory fought off his programming to kill Amy and it was just almost successful. He did shoot her in the end. However, she was saved and he spent 2000 years looking after her. He stayed by her side. If the universe could find love like that. If all people could love like that, there would be a lot more peace. I am proud of those two.' He couldn't help but grin.

'Amy proved the impossible and not only did she remember Rory but remembered me...saved me. Her imaginary friend, her simple childhood dream. She believes with such a full heart. She was truly brilliant, remembering those that never were. Remembering the friend and man that she loved. Love won the day.'

'Now, talking about someone brilliant! River, River was brilliant! She always knew how to get a hold of me. From the psychic paper to calling me to the Library and the (box) at the museum, and now graffiting the oldest cliff face in the universe. Who is she? Or perhaps, what is she?' He thought smiling to himself.

'She opened the entrance to the room housing the pandorica. There was so much faith and so much concern that poured from her. Who knows what she did to get Van Gogh's painting! She impersonated Cleopatra, those poor men were no match for that lipstick of hers. She relayed the knowledge gained at Amy's childhood home. River helped to set up my final sacrifice, when I was too weak to finish. She was the one that gave Amy the black diary that sparked her memory.'

The Doctor smiled like a school boy. A goofy grin stretched from one side of his face to the other.

'I did almost send her to her death in the TARDIS. I should have been more careful. My sexy girl (the TARDIS) is fearless and maybe a bit knackered at times, but truly sends us where we _need_ to be. She took River to exactly the place she needed, the inspiration for the entire plot against us.'

His mind spun with the excitement at the miraculous things that had just occurred.

'The way River and Amelia got on...like friends, or perhaps closer. For some reason Amy is important to River. There is a curious relationship going on with the two. They way they consort in girlish gossip. Their teamwork to destroy my fez.' A scowl crossed his eyes, irritated that it was gone, because after all...fezzes are cool!

He hops up from his seat beneath the console and begins inspecting below the cloisters. 'She is like a mother, guiding Amy, showing her and teaching her the ways of space and time travel. She patiently and humbly explains the timey wimeyness of the ordeal. She is so clever and followed everything that happened...every half baked plan of mine, every outrageous scheme. That was truly sexy, her mind, confidence, and love for his friends. Don't get me wrong, her body is a powerful thing to behold. Her curves and the way she moved them...' his mind drifts off. He shakes himself out of the trance she put him under.

'She is such a mystery. Who is this beautiful woman? She said I always dance at weddings. How could she know...when and where did she learn that? Most importantly...was it ours? Oh!' he sighs excitedly, like a giddy adolescent returning to play.

'Her answer to either inquiry of mine was yes...would she marry me or was she married... Who is she? This miraculous woman quoting his rules with that mysterious diary of their future.'

He refused to admit the obvious, she was his wife. He had lost it all, his family and his home. Those who threaten his companions step into enough danger...and his companions are in danger by simply knowing him. He cannot love again, he cannot let himself. But this time it was beyond his control, this was fate, this was to be an adventure worth the pain. This is something he does not want rewritten, for he was told, it was written perfectly the first time.

'It was a very productive and rather positive outcome of the whole situation. Rory was remembered, two millennia of a lasting love, the universe saved, Amy finding her parents in her memories, and her remembering me. Things were gained today, life was saved today, and relationships and hope were grown today. It is not often that endings of catastrophes cause such an complete improvement, but today it did.'

He looked up from his thoughts and realized "They sure has taken them a while to change clothes..."

 **A/N: Thank you for reading and I sure would appreciate reviews! Thank you for those that have reviewed! Next up is The Impossible Astronaut and Day of the Moon. After that, follows some adventures that are referenced but seen in their entirety in the series: such as their first date and Jim the Fish! Exciting stuff to come!**


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